Tellings of Our IF Journey

So when we first started TTC at end of 2005, I was not shy at all about telling people, because who ever thinks it will be hard! But I always seem to think that I jixxed us by telling my cousin during her wedding dress shopping that I may be preggo while in her wedding in April 2006. Of course, I was not and the journey continued for over two and a half years.

As time went on and we found out we were having trouble, then that DH had a low count, we tried to keep in the family and close friends circle but even then told only certain people. I was often upset because a lot of other couples were getting preggo. This only made it harder to talk about our problems. I did have a connection to some family and friends who I found out were having trouble too. Makes it a lot easier to know others have issues too. Even though I would not wish it on my worst enemy! But I am one who likes to talk about these things and can not "lie" about days off and lateness in these "medical" situations. So I begin to tell co-workers that I trusted and even college friends (in my new program to become a teacher). But the hardest was when student teaching started around the sametime all the RE visits started.

I kept questioning myself, DH, my parents, and fellow student teachers - what do I say to my supervising professor and cooperating teacher about being late to school for student teaching? when do I tell them? keep it general medical-related or specify? So I know I have no obligation to go into detail with anyone but I don't think I can lie.

Student teaching is 16 weeks long and was starting just after having our first RE consultation. So I waited until the appointments definitely started to hinder my being on time to the first grade class which was about 40 mins north of my home while RE office was about 45 mins from my home in the opposite direction. So here is how it went:

I first just said I had a doctor's appointment that I could not avoid and had no possibility of going to at night. I always asked for the earliest appointment but traffic was horrible around RE office and it took about 1.5 hours from RE to school. I was lucky that the first appointment was before school started for the students and I was allowed by my university to have 5 sick days, which meant if I missed about two hours for each appointment, I should not go over that limit. So at first I was just going to keep it as a general medical condition that was not threathening to anyone. However, I did not keep it at that.

About half-way through student teaching, during one of my post-lesson observation discussions with my professor (supervisor), I just said, "So I have another appointment on such and such date and I should be in school by 10am if not earlier" (because we all know RE's office can get backed up). Then I said, "I feel as though I should explain." Of course, she said, "You don't have to." But I needed to. So I said, "My husband and I have been trying to have children since Dec 2005 and we started seeing a specialist. We have just been trying for so long that I could not stop and wait another 3 months until after student teaching." She is such a wonderful lady and totally understood and just told me to continue to notify her as I scheduled appointments. And the great thing about telling her was that she gave me such encouragement and support that we actually became better acquinted and friendly. It really opened up our relationship!!

So eventually I had the same type of conversation with my cooperating teacher. She was also understanding and since we already had the type of relationship where we talked about our personal lives, it too made everything easier. When it came time to consider IVF for the next cycle, I was able to put it off for a few weeks until after student teaching ended. Both my supervising and cooperating teachers were very appreciative of that decision, especially because the end would be when I was fully in-charge of the classroom for two weeks.

And now when I email these two ladies, they both show concern and ask in a caring way, "How is everything going?" I have kept in touch and can't wait to be able to give them and everyone else some good news!

The lesson I learned out of all this is that we are all human and unless it is a personal need to keep something to onesself or someone is known to be incompassionate, it is always better to share because most of the time you will only receive more compassionate support! Which is great for any stressful situation!! Don't get me wrong, I still feel pregnancy and IF are sensitive issues that require a level of privacy, which is always a personal preference that can change with each stage.

BETA numbers

#1 on 2/19: 105
#2 on 2/21: 330
#3 on 2/23: 1152
#4 s/b on 2/25: not necessary do to big increases!!

Lots of queasiness, some weird little pains in legs and back, and feeling of uterus stretching or something!!

First pregnancy ultrasound and additional bloodwork on morning of 2/28!!!!

How exciting - after a successful visit on 2/28, I will consider fully preggo!! Just can't yet :( Not sure why but it may just be my superstitious self :)

Need to carry a pen around!!!

We had an awesome #2 beta increase of tripling the previous 105 to 300something - 313? 330? Well, I know it was 300 plus something! I don't know if everyone is like me, although it seems so, but I have become so obsessive about having the exact info for every IF-related thing written down in my special IF binder. But when I got the call for beta2 results yesterday, I could not remember the last two digits of the level - 300something, I just kept saying it then thought 313 and 330, but not sure. I asked DH if he heard me repeat the number at all while on the phone - he said "no!" Darn! Darn!

Should I have called back right away? Should I wait until later in that day or the next day? So I was going to call late yesterday afternoon just before they close because then I usually get a nurse to answer rather than leave a message. However, just before 3pm, my mother called me and I tried to get off the phone but I did not want to be rude. So I decided I would just call today - and of course I had to leave a message so hopefully I will get a call soon so I can update with the exact number. Anyway, my beta3 is tomorrow so let's cross everything for another big increase.

And the lesson learned: need to carry a pen/pencil and paper around so whenever the phone rings I can write info down immediately, especially when waiting for results or answers from RE.

So far we have told the good BFP news to my mom and DH told his dad who will tell DH's mom! I will tell my dad today in case he did not already hear from my mom. And DH as been asking over and over, "so when are you going to tell more people?" And I am not sure, maybe some after 4th beta or maybe no one until after u/s on March 4th. Decisions, decisions.

And that reminds me of Stirrup Queens' current interview question . . . see next post for my answer to the when, how, why, and who of telling about the IF journey - I think I have an unique instance and would love to know what everyone thinks!!

Thanks again for all the support and TIA for any additional support :)

UPDATE: Beta #2 was 330!!!!!!!!!

Queasiness not nerves!!!!!!!

So I had to wait another agonizing night b/c I went to a local lab instead of RE's lab. I could not cheat, but really did not want to POAS. Although I may have if I had one in the house, but I don't like buying them anymore so I don't!!

At 8:07 this morning, my cell rang with RE's number . . . . so so scared, what if it is negative, what next?

But I do not have to think about those questions . . . My fav nurse said "It is POSITIVE!!" All I could say was "AWESOME, and what was the number?" 105!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Second beta is tomorrow morning and I will be going to RE's lab to avoid another delay!! Third beta will be Saturday morning (and that night DH and I go to see the Flyers game after dinner in Philly somewhere) and then I should have an appt or another beta, depending on #2 and #3 results, on Monday!!!! Also ordered more PIO this morning!!! This is so surreal!! I can't stop smiling, especially funny smilies to DH!!!!

So I thank everyone for their support for 1st beta and TIA for any additional support going forward!! I just hope this sticks!!! Crossing fingers for doubling beta tomorrow!!! (At a minimum, I need an increase of at least 60%, or beta of 168. NP said they will leave room for some difference due to different labs doing the tests.)

And I have decided to wait until after u/s to tell family and friends, except one face-to-face friend waiting for Friday's results from her FET - she has been waiting for some good news from us! And I am praying the same will happen for her!!!!!

Emotional Rollercoaster

Okay so I have not posted b/c so much has been going up and down in my mind. Finally yesterday I broke down and cried!! I am so thankful DH has been home since Thursday and will be home tomorrow for 1st BETA results!!! He is such a sweet man and has been so supportive to me even though I know it must be killing him too. Among all the IF emotions, we have been dealing with a leaking wall and incompetent condo association mainetance manager as well as some people who can not stop yelling at me for stupid stuff. In addition, this weekend I had to tell (when my superstituous self did not want to) two of my cousins (one being preggers with second baby) that I had IVF done. This was b/c of being fitted for bridesmaid's dress for Sept wedding. Anyway . . . I have been praying a lot that this go well and results in a BFP and nine beautiful months!!! TIA for any well wishes you can send my way!!!!

Good Snowy Day

BTW =) ET on Sunday went well - 2 txf, 1 fz, 5 monitored to day 6!!!! I keep looking at pics of embies and the u/s print of them in!!!!

So today has been a great day for me. **Loving the snow, it is beautiful here in SE PA, but I am sorry for those in accidents :( ** Job obtained!!!!!!!! Call from RE that 2 more embies were frozen yesterday but I am unsure why they did not call me yesterday and I had to call them today - busy office/lab I guess! Today I am feeling a little queasy - not sure if preg related, I would guess it is too early. Maybe I just need to drink more water or it is the PIO. Not much else in my mind - I have been tired since ET on Sunday!!

So 3 embies available for FET in future!!!!

P.S. BETA is 2/19!!!! And new job orientation is same day - hopeful sign - two good things at once!!!

Update

Ok so it is a 5 day ET. So Sunday is the big big day!!!! We have 8 beautiful embies including 6 at 8 cells and 2 at 7 cells - just hoping they all make it beautifully to Sunday!! We really need some for future so as to hopefully avoid the ER again!

I am having some fears about PIO and my body's response to it or the ER. Hope the body does not give me troubles and mess this up! Again with the uncertainty.

CAN'T SOMETHING JUST GO PERFECT HERE?!?!?!?!??!?