++++++++Days to Baby++++++++

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Check this out!!!

This link could be a very important resource (especially if you have a home pool) for when, if you don't already, have a child.

It seemed a little horrifying at first but note nothing bad happens!

I went to the home website after the video and found 2 of these instructors in my area (only 11 miles away).


Jiggle in the Middle

Ok, as if I don't already have enough "meat" in my midsection, now I feel as if my ovaries are bulging out! My normal-sized pants were so tight today that when I was sitting in the car, I had to unbutton and unzip them to feel comfortable. I suppose this is a good thing b/c it means my 11 follies are growing nice and big for ER next week. But it just makes me think about how unfair it is that we have to go through all of this for a child. I always imagined that those first "fullness" feelings would result in complete elation b/c of being pregnant - not TTC.

Another thing about all of this is that I feel these uncomforts/pangs and find myself wondering . . . for example, "is it indigestion or the meds causing that twinging in my chest? or is the pain in my back from my awlful bad back or the meds?" These injections are a necessary evil and it saddens me to think that there is only a 50/50 chance (at least for me) that this will even result in a baby. And I know many couples have worse odds and it still happens. So I am trying to stay positive but I don't want to be let down too hard. What to do, what to think? It is a big deal, but I sometimes think if I don't make it out to be such a big deal then it will happen or maybe I need to make it a huge deal so that God sees just how much I (and DH) want children. But then I think, "doesn't God know what is the truth in our hearts and souls?"

I am just so nervous about tomorrow's u/s but I am not sure why b/c the u/s' have brought pretty good news so far. Yet I know how easily that can all change. Guess I just have to wait and see.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Update and Society's IF view

Update - U/S and B/W this morning "all good." YIPPIE!!!!!!!! Lucky numbers for today are PRIME numbers - 11 and 13 - yes I am a Math nerd!! They say good things about my RE visit today. 11 follies growing strong and the 2 lead follies are over 13mm with the other 9 between 12 and 9mm. My lining is around 7 or 9. I am not quite sure b/c the screen was a bit hard for me to see. NP left follie measurements on screen for DH and I - we studied it and celebrated! So I am staying on same meds and visiting RE again on Friday.

On to what I see about society's IF view - I watch the ABC soaps b/c I am unemployed and bored! On GH, there have been some various issues going on about children and pregnancy. Of course, as usually, women are cheating and lying about whose child they are carrying. However, I have been following the struggle of one couple TTC when the DH has no children and the DW has two from previous marriage. At the same time, there is a younger single women who wants to have children but does not want to wait for the right man, who wants children too. Now I think the writers made a mistake in how they are approaching the storyline, that is if they are trying to recognize the struggles of IF. Rather than go into a long rant that nobody will want to read, I just wanted to say that someone should build a story - a real-life story - about what we truly go through from all angles. I think it would do society good b/c there are probably many couples/people who think they are alone.

Before I found the boards and blogs, I felt alone! Of course, logically, I knew I was not alone b/c I was not the only person I knew having a hard time getting preggo and there are all those other patients at my RE's office. However, emotionally, I felt extremely alone! I found the boards and lurked a bit, then joined. I connected to blogs recommended by board members. I lurked then I recently created my own blog. Now not only do have others to talk with but I have an outlet to discuss my frustrations, elations, confusions, and such. Other people may not have the resources to find these connections. Even if they are going to an OB or RE for help, they may not know about these communities of great gals and guys who can help them come to terms with what they are going through. They may not know where to go for advice or just to vent knowing they will not be judged. It would be great if the powers that be in our society, unfortunately I am speaking of Hollywood, would fess up to what they are experiencing and get it out to the public.

Come on, we all know that the older women out there in Hollywood who are preggo are doing it through some sort of ART. They need to stand up and let everyone know that there is hope and support. And I mean in the right way, with reality in mind.

Okay so I ranted on and on anyway - SORRY but really come on, with all the reality shows out there and Oprah's health-focused shows, someone should be thinking about this. I have some great friends but I feel as though they are avoiding me b/c they don't know what to say. I am a very open person so I have not been hiding any of this. I thought my openness would help family and friends see that they don't have to avoid and fear me!

Well this is just another post of me getting it out in the open! TIA for reading and commenting.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Letting go and starting over

in my thinking, not the current journey. So I have had thoughts that God is punishing me for past acts and thoughts, of having children and other areas of my life. I don't want to go into details. I have been a good person I know but some decisions have been selfish (wanting to have a better life than my parents and all) and I have felt like I am in a race to have children. I got married first out of all the grandchildren of my mother's parent's huge family and thought I would be first to have a great-grandchild for my grandparents (and so did they). But I was not!! I was angry when I found out my cousin was a month pregnant when she got married four months after I started TTC. LETTING IT GO!!! I was a bit angry when one of my bestfriends thought she was having trouble TTC after only 6 months and after her first concerning appt with OB/GYN she was preggo in a month but I did not find out until right before her early delivery. LETTING IT GO!!! Of course there is a bit more but I am LETTING IT ALL GO!!!!

No more negative vibes, all positive thoughts - here I come.

New Beginnings

This blog is new but it is helping me to recognize that this journey can be viewed in a positive way. I am uncertain about what the future holds but I am hopeful that the outcome will eventually be the goal I have been longing for.

We go through life mostly doing what we can to take control. Growing up I was very concerned about my education because of the things my parents and their siblings and friends had gone through. I'll leave the details private but basically I had a better idea of how I wanted my life to pan out. So I planned and although the age, 25, at which I got married was a few years late, it was worth it because I have the best husband I could have ever dreamed of. But his education and career status was not what he wanted so it was another 3 years of college. This meant putting "starting a family" off. I went through a period of depression and thinking that I was not priority #1 on his or anyone's list. I know even in marriages we have to have our own inspirations and need our own time at times, but my husband was spending all his time in a college programs with young females - they looked better than me and he seemed to be close to some of them. Did I trust him? Of course but them? Not at all. So I cried alot and just wanted something to look forward to. So in my desperation, I demanded that we start TTC.

Don't get me wrong, I always wanted to have children and this loniness was not the only reason for wanting to start TTC. It just made me explode and become angry and desperate. He was not against it but I sometimes think he did not try as hard as I was. So now he out off school and a practicing RN and I no longer feel any of that. In fact, he has shown me just how much he wants a child too.

We thought everything was fine with both of us but the original SA was done by a non-fertility specializing lab so the results, which we had relied on for close to a year meant nothing when we started seeing the RE in August 2007. So he was retested and the real results were bad but doable. He went to a urinoligist - nothing found. He count kept decreasing and it was taking a toll on the both of us. Three IUIs were no use. So it is on to IVF.

Here I am in CD 5 - all days taking stims (follistim 375iu) with 14 days of 10 units lupron, 4 days 5 units Lupron plus 10 units low-dose HCG and 81mg aspirin since Jan 12th. I have stuck myself with over 25 needles in this cycle alone, with who knows how many more. I fear cycle cancelation, low # mature eggs, OHSS, ER issues (particular with DH SA), and if we make it to a good ER, what could happen in the following 3 to 5 days before ET or after - a loss, which would be my first seeing as I have not even been preggo since we started over 2 years ago.

So my current status: Monday's u/s showed 10-12 follies and a growing lining - "looks good" RE's NP. No call on b/w status, which is good - "no news is good news" says my RE. Next u/s&b/w is Wednesday - hope for follie and lining growth.

Sorry this post is so long. Since it was my first I thought it should include a good background. I hope it can be of some help and support to others going through the horrors of IF. It is an outlet for me and a hope to meet others and learn all I can. I send baby dust to everyone in all stages of the journey and positive vibes for all.