New Beginnings

This blog is new but it is helping me to recognize that this journey can be viewed in a positive way. I am uncertain about what the future holds but I am hopeful that the outcome will eventually be the goal I have been longing for.

We go through life mostly doing what we can to take control. Growing up I was very concerned about my education because of the things my parents and their siblings and friends had gone through. I'll leave the details private but basically I had a better idea of how I wanted my life to pan out. So I planned and although the age, 25, at which I got married was a few years late, it was worth it because I have the best husband I could have ever dreamed of. But his education and career status was not what he wanted so it was another 3 years of college. This meant putting "starting a family" off. I went through a period of depression and thinking that I was not priority #1 on his or anyone's list. I know even in marriages we have to have our own inspirations and need our own time at times, but my husband was spending all his time in a college programs with young females - they looked better than me and he seemed to be close to some of them. Did I trust him? Of course but them? Not at all. So I cried alot and just wanted something to look forward to. So in my desperation, I demanded that we start TTC.

Don't get me wrong, I always wanted to have children and this loniness was not the only reason for wanting to start TTC. It just made me explode and become angry and desperate. He was not against it but I sometimes think he did not try as hard as I was. So now he out off school and a practicing RN and I no longer feel any of that. In fact, he has shown me just how much he wants a child too.

We thought everything was fine with both of us but the original SA was done by a non-fertility specializing lab so the results, which we had relied on for close to a year meant nothing when we started seeing the RE in August 2007. So he was retested and the real results were bad but doable. He went to a urinoligist - nothing found. He count kept decreasing and it was taking a toll on the both of us. Three IUIs were no use. So it is on to IVF.

Here I am in CD 5 - all days taking stims (follistim 375iu) with 14 days of 10 units lupron, 4 days 5 units Lupron plus 10 units low-dose HCG and 81mg aspirin since Jan 12th. I have stuck myself with over 25 needles in this cycle alone, with who knows how many more. I fear cycle cancelation, low # mature eggs, OHSS, ER issues (particular with DH SA), and if we make it to a good ER, what could happen in the following 3 to 5 days before ET or after - a loss, which would be my first seeing as I have not even been preggo since we started over 2 years ago.

So my current status: Monday's u/s showed 10-12 follies and a growing lining - "looks good" RE's NP. No call on b/w status, which is good - "no news is good news" says my RE. Next u/s&b/w is Wednesday - hope for follie and lining growth.

Sorry this post is so long. Since it was my first I thought it should include a good background. I hope it can be of some help and support to others going through the horrors of IF. It is an outlet for me and a hope to meet others and learn all I can. I send baby dust to everyone in all stages of the journey and positive vibes for all.