Tellings of Our IF Journey

So when we first started TTC at end of 2005, I was not shy at all about telling people, because who ever thinks it will be hard! But I always seem to think that I jixxed us by telling my cousin during her wedding dress shopping that I may be preggo while in her wedding in April 2006. Of course, I was not and the journey continued for over two and a half years.

As time went on and we found out we were having trouble, then that DH had a low count, we tried to keep in the family and close friends circle but even then told only certain people. I was often upset because a lot of other couples were getting preggo. This only made it harder to talk about our problems. I did have a connection to some family and friends who I found out were having trouble too. Makes it a lot easier to know others have issues too. Even though I would not wish it on my worst enemy! But I am one who likes to talk about these things and can not "lie" about days off and lateness in these "medical" situations. So I begin to tell co-workers that I trusted and even college friends (in my new program to become a teacher). But the hardest was when student teaching started around the sametime all the RE visits started.

I kept questioning myself, DH, my parents, and fellow student teachers - what do I say to my supervising professor and cooperating teacher about being late to school for student teaching? when do I tell them? keep it general medical-related or specify? So I know I have no obligation to go into detail with anyone but I don't think I can lie.

Student teaching is 16 weeks long and was starting just after having our first RE consultation. So I waited until the appointments definitely started to hinder my being on time to the first grade class which was about 40 mins north of my home while RE office was about 45 mins from my home in the opposite direction. So here is how it went:

I first just said I had a doctor's appointment that I could not avoid and had no possibility of going to at night. I always asked for the earliest appointment but traffic was horrible around RE office and it took about 1.5 hours from RE to school. I was lucky that the first appointment was before school started for the students and I was allowed by my university to have 5 sick days, which meant if I missed about two hours for each appointment, I should not go over that limit. So at first I was just going to keep it as a general medical condition that was not threathening to anyone. However, I did not keep it at that.

About half-way through student teaching, during one of my post-lesson observation discussions with my professor (supervisor), I just said, "So I have another appointment on such and such date and I should be in school by 10am if not earlier" (because we all know RE's office can get backed up). Then I said, "I feel as though I should explain." Of course, she said, "You don't have to." But I needed to. So I said, "My husband and I have been trying to have children since Dec 2005 and we started seeing a specialist. We have just been trying for so long that I could not stop and wait another 3 months until after student teaching." She is such a wonderful lady and totally understood and just told me to continue to notify her as I scheduled appointments. And the great thing about telling her was that she gave me such encouragement and support that we actually became better acquinted and friendly. It really opened up our relationship!!

So eventually I had the same type of conversation with my cooperating teacher. She was also understanding and since we already had the type of relationship where we talked about our personal lives, it too made everything easier. When it came time to consider IVF for the next cycle, I was able to put it off for a few weeks until after student teaching ended. Both my supervising and cooperating teachers were very appreciative of that decision, especially because the end would be when I was fully in-charge of the classroom for two weeks.

And now when I email these two ladies, they both show concern and ask in a caring way, "How is everything going?" I have kept in touch and can't wait to be able to give them and everyone else some good news!

The lesson I learned out of all this is that we are all human and unless it is a personal need to keep something to onesself or someone is known to be incompassionate, it is always better to share because most of the time you will only receive more compassionate support! Which is great for any stressful situation!! Don't get me wrong, I still feel pregnancy and IF are sensitive issues that require a level of privacy, which is always a personal preference that can change with each stage.

BETA numbers

#1 on 2/19: 105
#2 on 2/21: 330
#3 on 2/23: 1152
#4 s/b on 2/25: not necessary do to big increases!!

Lots of queasiness, some weird little pains in legs and back, and feeling of uterus stretching or something!!

First pregnancy ultrasound and additional bloodwork on morning of 2/28!!!!

How exciting - after a successful visit on 2/28, I will consider fully preggo!! Just can't yet :( Not sure why but it may just be my superstitious self :)

Need to carry a pen around!!!

We had an awesome #2 beta increase of tripling the previous 105 to 300something - 313? 330? Well, I know it was 300 plus something! I don't know if everyone is like me, although it seems so, but I have become so obsessive about having the exact info for every IF-related thing written down in my special IF binder. But when I got the call for beta2 results yesterday, I could not remember the last two digits of the level - 300something, I just kept saying it then thought 313 and 330, but not sure. I asked DH if he heard me repeat the number at all while on the phone - he said "no!" Darn! Darn!

Should I have called back right away? Should I wait until later in that day or the next day? So I was going to call late yesterday afternoon just before they close because then I usually get a nurse to answer rather than leave a message. However, just before 3pm, my mother called me and I tried to get off the phone but I did not want to be rude. So I decided I would just call today - and of course I had to leave a message so hopefully I will get a call soon so I can update with the exact number. Anyway, my beta3 is tomorrow so let's cross everything for another big increase.

And the lesson learned: need to carry a pen/pencil and paper around so whenever the phone rings I can write info down immediately, especially when waiting for results or answers from RE.

So far we have told the good BFP news to my mom and DH told his dad who will tell DH's mom! I will tell my dad today in case he did not already hear from my mom. And DH as been asking over and over, "so when are you going to tell more people?" And I am not sure, maybe some after 4th beta or maybe no one until after u/s on March 4th. Decisions, decisions.

And that reminds me of Stirrup Queens' current interview question . . . see next post for my answer to the when, how, why, and who of telling about the IF journey - I think I have an unique instance and would love to know what everyone thinks!!

Thanks again for all the support and TIA for any additional support :)

UPDATE: Beta #2 was 330!!!!!!!!!

Queasiness not nerves!!!!!!!

So I had to wait another agonizing night b/c I went to a local lab instead of RE's lab. I could not cheat, but really did not want to POAS. Although I may have if I had one in the house, but I don't like buying them anymore so I don't!!

At 8:07 this morning, my cell rang with RE's number . . . . so so scared, what if it is negative, what next?

But I do not have to think about those questions . . . My fav nurse said "It is POSITIVE!!" All I could say was "AWESOME, and what was the number?" 105!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Second beta is tomorrow morning and I will be going to RE's lab to avoid another delay!! Third beta will be Saturday morning (and that night DH and I go to see the Flyers game after dinner in Philly somewhere) and then I should have an appt or another beta, depending on #2 and #3 results, on Monday!!!! Also ordered more PIO this morning!!! This is so surreal!! I can't stop smiling, especially funny smilies to DH!!!!

So I thank everyone for their support for 1st beta and TIA for any additional support going forward!! I just hope this sticks!!! Crossing fingers for doubling beta tomorrow!!! (At a minimum, I need an increase of at least 60%, or beta of 168. NP said they will leave room for some difference due to different labs doing the tests.)

And I have decided to wait until after u/s to tell family and friends, except one face-to-face friend waiting for Friday's results from her FET - she has been waiting for some good news from us! And I am praying the same will happen for her!!!!!

Emotional Rollercoaster

Okay so I have not posted b/c so much has been going up and down in my mind. Finally yesterday I broke down and cried!! I am so thankful DH has been home since Thursday and will be home tomorrow for 1st BETA results!!! He is such a sweet man and has been so supportive to me even though I know it must be killing him too. Among all the IF emotions, we have been dealing with a leaking wall and incompetent condo association mainetance manager as well as some people who can not stop yelling at me for stupid stuff. In addition, this weekend I had to tell (when my superstituous self did not want to) two of my cousins (one being preggers with second baby) that I had IVF done. This was b/c of being fitted for bridesmaid's dress for Sept wedding. Anyway . . . I have been praying a lot that this go well and results in a BFP and nine beautiful months!!! TIA for any well wishes you can send my way!!!!

Good Snowy Day

BTW =) ET on Sunday went well - 2 txf, 1 fz, 5 monitored to day 6!!!! I keep looking at pics of embies and the u/s print of them in!!!!

So today has been a great day for me. **Loving the snow, it is beautiful here in SE PA, but I am sorry for those in accidents :( ** Job obtained!!!!!!!! Call from RE that 2 more embies were frozen yesterday but I am unsure why they did not call me yesterday and I had to call them today - busy office/lab I guess! Today I am feeling a little queasy - not sure if preg related, I would guess it is too early. Maybe I just need to drink more water or it is the PIO. Not much else in my mind - I have been tired since ET on Sunday!!

So 3 embies available for FET in future!!!!

P.S. BETA is 2/19!!!! And new job orientation is same day - hopeful sign - two good things at once!!!

Update

Ok so it is a 5 day ET. So Sunday is the big big day!!!! We have 8 beautiful embies including 6 at 8 cells and 2 at 7 cells - just hoping they all make it beautifully to Sunday!! We really need some for future so as to hopefully avoid the ER again!

I am having some fears about PIO and my body's response to it or the ER. Hope the body does not give me troubles and mess this up! Again with the uncertainty.

CAN'T SOMETHING JUST GO PERFECT HERE?!?!?!?!??!?

Time Away

Okay so I have not posted since my ER . . .

First, sorry to those few bloggers who may have been checking in on my progress. Secondly, why? you ask. Well I'll tell you as strange as it may be.

This blog is more of a "diary" for me - a dialogue of sorts to myself to remember the journey regardless of length. I do wish I started keeping a diary long ago. However, I never thought it would be so so hard to get pregnant. Anyway, I, of course, know differently now. And I do appreciate that some people out in the blogosphere have found my accounts worthy of following and I do greatly appreciate the comments because they help me sort out my thoughts and gain new perspective, but I would keep writing here even if I had zero responses/comments. So the lack of following is by no means the reason for days away. It is more of a superstition.

I stayed away for fear of jixxing my embryos!! Funny, right? How will I ever know if it was true or not? Because the results have been GREAT!

I am happy to report that 13 ovums were retrieved, 10 were mature, and 8 were successfully fertilized with DH's swimmers. The fert report today was "beautiful" (the embryolists word) - 8 embryos all divided nicely to the 4-celled stage! So they are considering taking it to blastocyst stage for a 5 day transfer. However, I am not sure how to feel about this.

I know they say it is more of a good thing. That they can select the stronger embryos and leave the less-strong ones to freeze for future use. But it makes me nervous because in the same discussion they say how they believe the embryos are better in the uterus. I am nervous about the uncertainty (yes! there is that word AGAIN! but I do hate it!). But I am just going to go with the flow and burry my worries.

Another thought . . . my DH hardly says much about this whole IF journey but I know that is because he is that way with mostly everything. But today he said, "Hon, do you realize that right now our potential babies are growing in a petri dish in a lab?" Well how do I respond to that? Duh, of course I do!? No because I know this is his way of saying he is thinking about it and is excited! That is just how he is!

This remark brings up an interesting notion to me. I have read books, board messages, blogs, etc. on IF and I can rarely see a connection to how our marriage and others fare in the IF journey. I guess it is different for every individual and couple but I just wonder: Are we taking this too lightly? Is my go-with-the-flow attitude and my DH's lack of voice on the matter saying something about our want to conceive and deliver a child as compared to others? And is it less of a want because we have never experienced the BFP-and-loss cycle? Or can it be that we just don't express it as others do?

Thinking about it makes me want to cry because I wonder if I am just too positive that this will work out and if not, how will I feel and react then? I want to be happy about our great fert reports but I am afraid that it will only lead to a bigger disappointment if it does not stick! I can easily tell my mother that there are failed pregnancies just because of chromosome abnormalities but I want to believe that it just can not happen to us even though I know it can.

MFIF is our diagnios and as far as OB/GYN and RE have seen there is nothing wrong with me so if we have great developing embryos we should be good to go. Only thing is we still only have a 56% chance that the IVF cycle will result in a successful pregnancy and then who knows what the odds are that it will go to term and be a healthy baby.

But worry gets us no where, right!? Still I can't help it, no matter how calm I appear on the outside. IF is a horrible wait-and-see game!!

Hopeful but frustrated

I have been back and forth to RE all weekend - horrible drive during the week (almost 1 hour) and weekend days are okay (about 40 mins)! Anyway, tomorrow is the big ER day!!! I am hopeful as our u/s's have shown good follie growth. However, I am nervous about something going wrong or about what will happen after. I just really need this cycle to go well.

I know everyone needs every cycle to go well, but I feel like my life has been put on hold until I know the outcome of the IF treatments. I changed careers from accounting to education. Over the past two and a half years, I have completed all the course work while working and then the last 4 months of 2007, I was not working but completing my student teaching experience while going through treatments on clomid and 3 IUI's. Everything failed and now I am waiting for a call for a job interview but have felt as though I can not be proactive in getting an interview because of the IVF cycle I am in.

Don't get me wrong, having a baby is my first priority, but my DH and I are feeling the money strain. I was lucky to have some money come in from a real estate transaction but it went fast because I have lots of bills from school and try to help DH how I can with monthly bills. I just need a break here - either the job or the IF treatments or both. I feel like I am being made to suffer for some reason. Nothing seems to being going as I need it to. I am so frustrated right now!!!!!!!!!! I just need to scream - ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it will all work out in time. It is just so so so hard sometimes. I use this blog and the boards as an outlet and hope that I can feel relieved by connecting with people going through the same awful baby-making trials. Why is it that some people have it so easy? I know I let it all go before (prior post) but every once in a while it creeps back in. Especially when I am home alone, with DH at work, and I have little to do. I try to keep busy but sometimes it just feels pointless. I just want to cry. I have managed to keep the tears at bay for some time. Oh, I cry alittle bit here and there, but no big outbursts like months ago. Well maybe my mind is racing so much lately because of my hormone levels. Breathe deep and let it go. It is out of my hands for now.

Until after ER . . . .

Uncertainty

As my blog title states - this is one way I think of infertility and the whole baby-making process in general. I have not always thought of it this way though. I had a plan and I voiced that plan often. Until one day at work, when I started to doubt our ability to conceive, I mentioned my doctor visits and issues with a co-worker, who I was not particularly close to, but as I mentioned earlier, I am a very open person. His advice, from experience, was to not plan things out in detail too much b/c you will only be disappointed more when it does not work out as such! He had a child but wanted a big family and was unable to give his son even one sibling. It was MFIF at work, but when this was going on with him, there was not much to be done for his issue and he and his wife did not believe in IVF.


What I take from this is: Plan with flexibility in mind. He was saying life is uncertain and I agree! We can only plan to a certain point then we have to have faith that the rest will fall into place, or as a friend has said to me often "God's plan will play out!" But we also have to try to consider EVERY possible way if it is truly what we want! For this reason, I always kept IVF as an option and in fact "felt" that it would come to that - and here I am!

My recent doctor visits have shown the uncertainty. Thankfully in a good way. I have responded well to the meds and many follicles are growing, horomone levels are high and lining is perfect! In fact, my response has lead the RE to reduce med doses twice in two days, from 375 to 300 to 275. ER date is going back and forth between Tues and Wed. So I am having problems planning other things around the doctor appts and DH may not be able to stay home with me like originally planned :( And the uncertainty keeps pouring down, but I know there is nothing I can do. So I just go with the flow - easy for me b/c I am inbetween careers, but the money is getting tight! How will I get a job if and when I am preggers? And what if there are multiples? Oh, no!!! I have to just stop thinking about it and just wait to see what will happen after ER. Dealing with uncertainty can be so hard but that is life, right?!?

So the question becomes: How do we deal with the uncertainty? I am sure it is different for us all - what are your thoughts? I'd love to hear them!