++++++++Days to Baby++++++++

Monday, February 4, 2008

Hopeful but frustrated

I have been back and forth to RE all weekend - horrible drive during the week (almost 1 hour) and weekend days are okay (about 40 mins)! Anyway, tomorrow is the big ER day!!! I am hopeful as our u/s's have shown good follie growth. However, I am nervous about something going wrong or about what will happen after. I just really need this cycle to go well.

I know everyone needs every cycle to go well, but I feel like my life has been put on hold until I know the outcome of the IF treatments. I changed careers from accounting to education. Over the past two and a half years, I have completed all the course work while working and then the last 4 months of 2007, I was not working but completing my student teaching experience while going through treatments on clomid and 3 IUI's. Everything failed and now I am waiting for a call for a job interview but have felt as though I can not be proactive in getting an interview because of the IVF cycle I am in.

Don't get me wrong, having a baby is my first priority, but my DH and I are feeling the money strain. I was lucky to have some money come in from a real estate transaction but it went fast because I have lots of bills from school and try to help DH how I can with monthly bills. I just need a break here - either the job or the IF treatments or both. I feel like I am being made to suffer for some reason. Nothing seems to being going as I need it to. I am so frustrated right now!!!!!!!!!! I just need to scream - ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it will all work out in time. It is just so so so hard sometimes. I use this blog and the boards as an outlet and hope that I can feel relieved by connecting with people going through the same awful baby-making trials. Why is it that some people have it so easy? I know I let it all go before (prior post) but every once in a while it creeps back in. Especially when I am home alone, with DH at work, and I have little to do. I try to keep busy but sometimes it just feels pointless. I just want to cry. I have managed to keep the tears at bay for some time. Oh, I cry alittle bit here and there, but no big outbursts like months ago. Well maybe my mind is racing so much lately because of my hormone levels. Breathe deep and let it go. It is out of my hands for now.

Until after ER . . . .


Tracers said...

Thanks for stopping by. Actually, my husband is totally infertile and we decided to go straight to adoption. Now it's been almost 2 years, an adoption scam, and a year of waiting. We are frustrated (that whole no control thing and life being on hold because we could become parents at any moment) so we decided to try donor insemination. I did 1 IUI where I messed up the timing because I had never kept track of my ovulation because my husband is infertile. Then the next 2 I didn't use any meds. Now I've had 1 cycle w/Clomid. Supposedly I have no fertility issues (he really tested). I still had our adoption profile listed on this website that show potential adoptive parent profiles and it was a fluke thing. We're not against returning to adoption, we're just frustrated. Anyway, I do have a DI blog, but it's password protected. If you want an invite I'll send you one (actually I have you listed on my sidebar). My email is listed on my profile. I do no what you're saying about the unpredictability. The lack of control drives me nuts and I get on these rants.

I've rambled!

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

Best of luck with the ER!!!

I completely understand your feelings about your life being on hold - both on the infertility and the job fronts. Hence why my blog is called purgatory. It is seriously hard to keep it all in check sometimes. Cry and yell as much as you need to - you need an outlet...