Time Away

Okay so I have not posted since my ER . . .

First, sorry to those few bloggers who may have been checking in on my progress. Secondly, why? you ask. Well I'll tell you as strange as it may be.

This blog is more of a "diary" for me - a dialogue of sorts to myself to remember the journey regardless of length. I do wish I started keeping a diary long ago. However, I never thought it would be so so hard to get pregnant. Anyway, I, of course, know differently now. And I do appreciate that some people out in the blogosphere have found my accounts worthy of following and I do greatly appreciate the comments because they help me sort out my thoughts and gain new perspective, but I would keep writing here even if I had zero responses/comments. So the lack of following is by no means the reason for days away. It is more of a superstition.

I stayed away for fear of jixxing my embryos!! Funny, right? How will I ever know if it was true or not? Because the results have been GREAT!

I am happy to report that 13 ovums were retrieved, 10 were mature, and 8 were successfully fertilized with DH's swimmers. The fert report today was "beautiful" (the embryolists word) - 8 embryos all divided nicely to the 4-celled stage! So they are considering taking it to blastocyst stage for a 5 day transfer. However, I am not sure how to feel about this.

I know they say it is more of a good thing. That they can select the stronger embryos and leave the less-strong ones to freeze for future use. But it makes me nervous because in the same discussion they say how they believe the embryos are better in the uterus. I am nervous about the uncertainty (yes! there is that word AGAIN! but I do hate it!). But I am just going to go with the flow and burry my worries.

Another thought . . . my DH hardly says much about this whole IF journey but I know that is because he is that way with mostly everything. But today he said, "Hon, do you realize that right now our potential babies are growing in a petri dish in a lab?" Well how do I respond to that? Duh, of course I do!? No because I know this is his way of saying he is thinking about it and is excited! That is just how he is!

This remark brings up an interesting notion to me. I have read books, board messages, blogs, etc. on IF and I can rarely see a connection to how our marriage and others fare in the IF journey. I guess it is different for every individual and couple but I just wonder: Are we taking this too lightly? Is my go-with-the-flow attitude and my DH's lack of voice on the matter saying something about our want to conceive and deliver a child as compared to others? And is it less of a want because we have never experienced the BFP-and-loss cycle? Or can it be that we just don't express it as others do?

Thinking about it makes me want to cry because I wonder if I am just too positive that this will work out and if not, how will I feel and react then? I want to be happy about our great fert reports but I am afraid that it will only lead to a bigger disappointment if it does not stick! I can easily tell my mother that there are failed pregnancies just because of chromosome abnormalities but I want to believe that it just can not happen to us even though I know it can.

MFIF is our diagnios and as far as OB/GYN and RE have seen there is nothing wrong with me so if we have great developing embryos we should be good to go. Only thing is we still only have a 56% chance that the IVF cycle will result in a successful pregnancy and then who knows what the odds are that it will go to term and be a healthy baby.

But worry gets us no where, right!? Still I can't help it, no matter how calm I appear on the outside. IF is a horrible wait-and-see game!!