After over a month

So I have been away a long, long time. What have I been up to? Well . . .

Working, working, and more working - besides sleeping of course. So I went back to my accounting job as a per diem employee - hopefully not forever, as I still want to be a teacher.

Speaking of teaching - I have yet to put in a sub day since being hired in mid-Feb. But I plan on getting back to that next week as accounting slows and my moderate case of morning sickness is subsiding.

So yes, the pregnancy is going well - just very tired, queasy with only a few actual times of getting sick, the headaches are coming and going, and I feel like I have a very mild case of depression once in a while. I have yet to really announce that I am expecting. For various reasons, among which include superstition. But I am sure most of you get it.

I am at work, on lunch break, so I will update more later - by this weekend if not sooner. And I will have to catch up on the blogosphere.

Embryo Culture Book Tour

My experience with ART as been short compared to others I know face-to-face and through the blogosphere/board world. As I began the book, I was in the first IVF treatment cycle which has now resulted in a small being developing within me. Reading this book at this particular time seemed to be very meaningful. Since I had already decided and began the IVF cycle, it was not at all an influence on my decision, which I also believe was not at all the reason for Beth to write it. However, it was a way of rethinking and reflective on my recent decisions and experiences as well as questions sure to be wavered in the near future. It was very interesting to finish an IVF cycle while reading this spirited and humorous yet tearful account of Beth's journey. I definitely feel that the reading provided me a way of better sorting out my own feelings of my own journey.

The author researched different religious views on ART while she was in the decision process. How did you make your decision to pursue ART, adoption, childfree living, etc? Did your religious views play a big part in that decision?

• Once it was apparent that my OBGYN was no longer able to help us and referred us to a few different REs, it was just a matter of call and see who has the first available appointment and good office hours. In addition, I was able to talk with a family member who was seeing an RE and her's was one that my OBGYN had recommended. So we just made the appointment!!! Not too much thinking went into it. We knew we wanted children so childfree was out of the question and we knew we needed more help, unfortunately more than we realized, which you can read more about in About Me above. Although the options were all scary being that they were unfamiliar, our thinking was we will take the RE recommendations all the way provided the costs were realizable. And adoption was not really considered until the first IUI did not work and DH's count was getting worse.
• We are not very religious so these types of thoughts did not concern us at all. We both believe in God but not so much in the "rules" of religion. We knew we were good people and that a child is a child regardless of how it is created. One of my arguments regarding people's hestitation to ART is that abortion is also not an option in some religions and if a woman was raped, she would be expected in some people's standards to gave birth to the child. So why could it be in God's vision to allow a child to created by such a violent act and not by two loving people unable to conceive naturally. Some may be able to bring stronger arguments against me because I am not well versed in any religion and the "rules" that apply. However, I believe with limits and minimizing risks God has no problem with a loving couple using available technology to build a family within the bloodlines. I don't mean to offend anyone's beliefs but these are truly my own without the involvment of organized religion but just a general belief in God and faith that what will be will be.
• However, I was very thankful for Beth's research because it better informed me of where other people may be coming from when considering ART. It actually helped me to better understand why a "friend" would have probably not gone any further than the one IUI that lead to the birth of her beautiful daughter.

Did your religion shape the decisions you made about treatment? And in turn, did your infertility change the way you looked at your religion?

• As stated in the response to the question above, religion did not shape our decisions about treatment. However, I choose to answer this question because our infertility journey has had an effect on how we think of religion. We are both in theory the same religion but we do not practice and in fact we got married in a non-secular church. But I have friends of many religions but mostly some form of Catholism. One friend specifically gave me catholic prayers to help me through the journey. And I used them, not as often as she recommended but when I needed to speak to God in the most of dire times. This was the first time I ever used a formal prayer of any religion. She often said she was praying for us as well, not just for our infertility but also for other troubles we were having. Many other people were doing the same and people we did not even know personally. Then I started including board members and bloggers in my prayers and speaking/writing of praying more often. The times I recited the prayers I felt comforted and at peace with whatever was going on. So yes I definitely think a bit differently about religion but must say I still do not feel as though I practice or am of any particular religion but rather have my own set of beliefs that I feel make me a good person in the eyes of God.

In Chapter 5 ("Professionals"), Beth writes about her clinic experiences. I got a chuckle out of her observation that "my early-morning posse and I seemed to be codelinquents doing time in juvie hall," as well as her description of George, the (male!) u/s tech. How was/is your clinic experience similiar to or different than Beth's? Did you meet/Have you met any particurlarly memorable people (either fellow patients or clinic staff)?

• First, I find this chapter to be of a comical nature as well. The way Beth described her experiences in such a comical way seemed to soften my views on this clinic versus how I may have evaluated it if written in a more straight forward manner. I believe Beth's approach was very professional as to cast a more funny light than to just state the facts, which could have been construded as negativity towards her clinic, which I am sure was not her intention.
• As I read this chapter, I found myself reflecting on my clinic experience and the people we encountered. I must admit I am a people watcher and I tried my hardest not to do this while in the waiting room but I just could not help it sometimes. At first I hated when parents brought their children in. I felt like it was a sort of pragging but then realized that it was just like if they went anywhere and some parents were even bringing the child so the staff could see what all their time and effort resulted in. As for the four different REs at my clinic and the vary nurses, I often examined their personalities. As we left the office, I would always start a discussion with my DH about the new nurse we saw or the RE we saw for the first time. He would not say much but was more fond of the one RE. The thing is he judged them more on their humor, which is typical of my DH because it is a quality he is strong in and looks at first in others. But with doctors?!? I thought a bit strange at first but then realized it lightened the mood because when things were just level and serious I was more tense. The humor relaxed me and later I realized it gave me more confidence in their skills. Not just the REs but the nurses and rest of the staff. My favorite nurse were those opposite of me. The nurse who were more talkative and outgoing give me more confidence in their knowledge, skill and caring-of-us-and-our-infertility. There was one nurse in particular that was like me, quieter and low key. The funny thing was I did not think of it as just her personality but I questioned her knowledge, skill and confidence in her rule as an infertility nurse. It was not until my DH pointed out that she was like me when I meet new people that I realized I was being really really judgmental, which was not like me, especially when I did not know them well.
• Overall, I love my clinic and just like the other gal I know who went there - I don't want to leave and go back to my OBGYN, who I have always loved too but it is not the same. I know REs need to focus on the infertility aspects, but I think it would be nice if they and their staff could be a part of the whole pregnancy and delivery of those they have helped. At the same, I would feel more comfortable because I believe they would take more care with us because they know of all the struggles.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about Embryo Culture? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade by visiting the master list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #11 (The Mistress's Daughter by AM Homes with author participation!) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.gles and were right there was us the whole way.

All is well after a scare

Our ultrasound on Thursday went well. We saw our BABY and beautiful pics!!!! Just a grain of rice but so much more in our minds at 5weeks and 3days. But on Friday afternoon in the middle of a mini breakdown from stress over finances, I felt a leak after standing up from curling up on the floor. (Now I know what some of you are thinking - I am an emotionally unstable person if I can not hold it together knowing I am pregnant. And while I would say you have every right to think that way, it really is not who I am. I really think the horomones were finally getting the best of me - and now I know better.) Good thing I was on the phone with my mother and was able to quickly calm down and call RE's office. The nurse assured me that it was not due to my stress, crying, or curling up on the floor but rather a result of the ultrasound and the sensitivity of the cervix at this time. But to be safe, even though I knew what she said to be true based on others' experiences, I scheduled an earlier 2nd ultrasound for this morning versus waiting until this Friday.

And I am relieved to say that everything is a-ok!!! In fact, we got to see the heartbeat today at 5weeks and 6days. And measurements are right where they need to be. Bloodwork is all good - Beta over 7,000 from Thursday's tests. Expected delivery date has been confirmed as 10/28/08!!! RE said it looks as if I have some sort of small blood clot, which could be from the second embryo transfered or some other issue of no concern, may have been the reason for the bleeding if not just the cervix response to the ultrasound. So the scare has been put to rest at this point. The focus now is to be sure I eat well but most importantly well hydrated.

The issue of eating well and staying hydrated, as strange as it may sound I believe will be a lot easier as I return to work because the office environment seems to always be food and drink-filled and the woman in-charge of the jobs I am on is very health-conscious and water coolers are pleniful at all clients and the main office. And the financial woes are being solved by me going back to my previous career rather than waiting what may be years to become a full-time elementary school teacher. I am lucky enough to have wonderful people at my former (or current as of tomorrow morning) employer. But I have to put myself in the frame of mind of not becoming stressed by my job.

So all is going well and hopes are higher than ever!!!! Prayers will continue in order to keep this little one on a successful journey to his/her birth!!!!!

Tellings of Our IF Journey

So when we first started TTC at end of 2005, I was not shy at all about telling people, because who ever thinks it will be hard! But I always seem to think that I jixxed us by telling my cousin during her wedding dress shopping that I may be preggo while in her wedding in April 2006. Of course, I was not and the journey continued for over two and a half years.

As time went on and we found out we were having trouble, then that DH had a low count, we tried to keep in the family and close friends circle but even then told only certain people. I was often upset because a lot of other couples were getting preggo. This only made it harder to talk about our problems. I did have a connection to some family and friends who I found out were having trouble too. Makes it a lot easier to know others have issues too. Even though I would not wish it on my worst enemy! But I am one who likes to talk about these things and can not "lie" about days off and lateness in these "medical" situations. So I begin to tell co-workers that I trusted and even college friends (in my new program to become a teacher). But the hardest was when student teaching started around the sametime all the RE visits started.

I kept questioning myself, DH, my parents, and fellow student teachers - what do I say to my supervising professor and cooperating teacher about being late to school for student teaching? when do I tell them? keep it general medical-related or specify? So I know I have no obligation to go into detail with anyone but I don't think I can lie.

Student teaching is 16 weeks long and was starting just after having our first RE consultation. So I waited until the appointments definitely started to hinder my being on time to the first grade class which was about 40 mins north of my home while RE office was about 45 mins from my home in the opposite direction. So here is how it went:

I first just said I had a doctor's appointment that I could not avoid and had no possibility of going to at night. I always asked for the earliest appointment but traffic was horrible around RE office and it took about 1.5 hours from RE to school. I was lucky that the first appointment was before school started for the students and I was allowed by my university to have 5 sick days, which meant if I missed about two hours for each appointment, I should not go over that limit. So at first I was just going to keep it as a general medical condition that was not threathening to anyone. However, I did not keep it at that.

About half-way through student teaching, during one of my post-lesson observation discussions with my professor (supervisor), I just said, "So I have another appointment on such and such date and I should be in school by 10am if not earlier" (because we all know RE's office can get backed up). Then I said, "I feel as though I should explain." Of course, she said, "You don't have to." But I needed to. So I said, "My husband and I have been trying to have children since Dec 2005 and we started seeing a specialist. We have just been trying for so long that I could not stop and wait another 3 months until after student teaching." She is such a wonderful lady and totally understood and just told me to continue to notify her as I scheduled appointments. And the great thing about telling her was that she gave me such encouragement and support that we actually became better acquinted and friendly. It really opened up our relationship!!

So eventually I had the same type of conversation with my cooperating teacher. She was also understanding and since we already had the type of relationship where we talked about our personal lives, it too made everything easier. When it came time to consider IVF for the next cycle, I was able to put it off for a few weeks until after student teaching ended. Both my supervising and cooperating teachers were very appreciative of that decision, especially because the end would be when I was fully in-charge of the classroom for two weeks.

And now when I email these two ladies, they both show concern and ask in a caring way, "How is everything going?" I have kept in touch and can't wait to be able to give them and everyone else some good news!

The lesson I learned out of all this is that we are all human and unless it is a personal need to keep something to onesself or someone is known to be incompassionate, it is always better to share because most of the time you will only receive more compassionate support! Which is great for any stressful situation!! Don't get me wrong, I still feel pregnancy and IF are sensitive issues that require a level of privacy, which is always a personal preference that can change with each stage.

BETA numbers

#1 on 2/19: 105
#2 on 2/21: 330
#3 on 2/23: 1152
#4 s/b on 2/25: not necessary do to big increases!!

Lots of queasiness, some weird little pains in legs and back, and feeling of uterus stretching or something!!

First pregnancy ultrasound and additional bloodwork on morning of 2/28!!!!

How exciting - after a successful visit on 2/28, I will consider fully preggo!! Just can't yet :( Not sure why but it may just be my superstitious self :)

Need to carry a pen around!!!

We had an awesome #2 beta increase of tripling the previous 105 to 300something - 313? 330? Well, I know it was 300 plus something! I don't know if everyone is like me, although it seems so, but I have become so obsessive about having the exact info for every IF-related thing written down in my special IF binder. But when I got the call for beta2 results yesterday, I could not remember the last two digits of the level - 300something, I just kept saying it then thought 313 and 330, but not sure. I asked DH if he heard me repeat the number at all while on the phone - he said "no!" Darn! Darn!

Should I have called back right away? Should I wait until later in that day or the next day? So I was going to call late yesterday afternoon just before they close because then I usually get a nurse to answer rather than leave a message. However, just before 3pm, my mother called me and I tried to get off the phone but I did not want to be rude. So I decided I would just call today - and of course I had to leave a message so hopefully I will get a call soon so I can update with the exact number. Anyway, my beta3 is tomorrow so let's cross everything for another big increase.

And the lesson learned: need to carry a pen/pencil and paper around so whenever the phone rings I can write info down immediately, especially when waiting for results or answers from RE.

So far we have told the good BFP news to my mom and DH told his dad who will tell DH's mom! I will tell my dad today in case he did not already hear from my mom. And DH as been asking over and over, "so when are you going to tell more people?" And I am not sure, maybe some after 4th beta or maybe no one until after u/s on March 4th. Decisions, decisions.

And that reminds me of Stirrup Queens' current interview question . . . see next post for my answer to the when, how, why, and who of telling about the IF journey - I think I have an unique instance and would love to know what everyone thinks!!

Thanks again for all the support and TIA for any additional support :)

UPDATE: Beta #2 was 330!!!!!!!!!

Queasiness not nerves!!!!!!!

So I had to wait another agonizing night b/c I went to a local lab instead of RE's lab. I could not cheat, but really did not want to POAS. Although I may have if I had one in the house, but I don't like buying them anymore so I don't!!

At 8:07 this morning, my cell rang with RE's number . . . . so so scared, what if it is negative, what next?

But I do not have to think about those questions . . . My fav nurse said "It is POSITIVE!!" All I could say was "AWESOME, and what was the number?" 105!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Second beta is tomorrow morning and I will be going to RE's lab to avoid another delay!! Third beta will be Saturday morning (and that night DH and I go to see the Flyers game after dinner in Philly somewhere) and then I should have an appt or another beta, depending on #2 and #3 results, on Monday!!!! Also ordered more PIO this morning!!! This is so surreal!! I can't stop smiling, especially funny smilies to DH!!!!

So I thank everyone for their support for 1st beta and TIA for any additional support going forward!! I just hope this sticks!!! Crossing fingers for doubling beta tomorrow!!! (At a minimum, I need an increase of at least 60%, or beta of 168. NP said they will leave room for some difference due to different labs doing the tests.)

And I have decided to wait until after u/s to tell family and friends, except one face-to-face friend waiting for Friday's results from her FET - she has been waiting for some good news from us! And I am praying the same will happen for her!!!!!

Emotional Rollercoaster

Okay so I have not posted b/c so much has been going up and down in my mind. Finally yesterday I broke down and cried!! I am so thankful DH has been home since Thursday and will be home tomorrow for 1st BETA results!!! He is such a sweet man and has been so supportive to me even though I know it must be killing him too. Among all the IF emotions, we have been dealing with a leaking wall and incompetent condo association mainetance manager as well as some people who can not stop yelling at me for stupid stuff. In addition, this weekend I had to tell (when my superstituous self did not want to) two of my cousins (one being preggers with second baby) that I had IVF done. This was b/c of being fitted for bridesmaid's dress for Sept wedding. Anyway . . . I have been praying a lot that this go well and results in a BFP and nine beautiful months!!! TIA for any well wishes you can send my way!!!!

Good Snowy Day

BTW =) ET on Sunday went well - 2 txf, 1 fz, 5 monitored to day 6!!!! I keep looking at pics of embies and the u/s print of them in!!!!

So today has been a great day for me. **Loving the snow, it is beautiful here in SE PA, but I am sorry for those in accidents :( ** Job obtained!!!!!!!! Call from RE that 2 more embies were frozen yesterday but I am unsure why they did not call me yesterday and I had to call them today - busy office/lab I guess! Today I am feeling a little queasy - not sure if preg related, I would guess it is too early. Maybe I just need to drink more water or it is the PIO. Not much else in my mind - I have been tired since ET on Sunday!!

So 3 embies available for FET in future!!!!

P.S. BETA is 2/19!!!! And new job orientation is same day - hopeful sign - two good things at once!!!

Update

Ok so it is a 5 day ET. So Sunday is the big big day!!!! We have 8 beautiful embies including 6 at 8 cells and 2 at 7 cells - just hoping they all make it beautifully to Sunday!! We really need some for future so as to hopefully avoid the ER again!

I am having some fears about PIO and my body's response to it or the ER. Hope the body does not give me troubles and mess this up! Again with the uncertainty.

CAN'T SOMETHING JUST GO PERFECT HERE?!?!?!?!??!?

Time Away

Okay so I have not posted since my ER . . .

First, sorry to those few bloggers who may have been checking in on my progress. Secondly, why? you ask. Well I'll tell you as strange as it may be.

This blog is more of a "diary" for me - a dialogue of sorts to myself to remember the journey regardless of length. I do wish I started keeping a diary long ago. However, I never thought it would be so so hard to get pregnant. Anyway, I, of course, know differently now. And I do appreciate that some people out in the blogosphere have found my accounts worthy of following and I do greatly appreciate the comments because they help me sort out my thoughts and gain new perspective, but I would keep writing here even if I had zero responses/comments. So the lack of following is by no means the reason for days away. It is more of a superstition.

I stayed away for fear of jixxing my embryos!! Funny, right? How will I ever know if it was true or not? Because the results have been GREAT!

I am happy to report that 13 ovums were retrieved, 10 were mature, and 8 were successfully fertilized with DH's swimmers. The fert report today was "beautiful" (the embryolists word) - 8 embryos all divided nicely to the 4-celled stage! So they are considering taking it to blastocyst stage for a 5 day transfer. However, I am not sure how to feel about this.

I know they say it is more of a good thing. That they can select the stronger embryos and leave the less-strong ones to freeze for future use. But it makes me nervous because in the same discussion they say how they believe the embryos are better in the uterus. I am nervous about the uncertainty (yes! there is that word AGAIN! but I do hate it!). But I am just going to go with the flow and burry my worries.

Another thought . . . my DH hardly says much about this whole IF journey but I know that is because he is that way with mostly everything. But today he said, "Hon, do you realize that right now our potential babies are growing in a petri dish in a lab?" Well how do I respond to that? Duh, of course I do!? No because I know this is his way of saying he is thinking about it and is excited! That is just how he is!

This remark brings up an interesting notion to me. I have read books, board messages, blogs, etc. on IF and I can rarely see a connection to how our marriage and others fare in the IF journey. I guess it is different for every individual and couple but I just wonder: Are we taking this too lightly? Is my go-with-the-flow attitude and my DH's lack of voice on the matter saying something about our want to conceive and deliver a child as compared to others? And is it less of a want because we have never experienced the BFP-and-loss cycle? Or can it be that we just don't express it as others do?

Thinking about it makes me want to cry because I wonder if I am just too positive that this will work out and if not, how will I feel and react then? I want to be happy about our great fert reports but I am afraid that it will only lead to a bigger disappointment if it does not stick! I can easily tell my mother that there are failed pregnancies just because of chromosome abnormalities but I want to believe that it just can not happen to us even though I know it can.

MFIF is our diagnios and as far as OB/GYN and RE have seen there is nothing wrong with me so if we have great developing embryos we should be good to go. Only thing is we still only have a 56% chance that the IVF cycle will result in a successful pregnancy and then who knows what the odds are that it will go to term and be a healthy baby.

But worry gets us no where, right!? Still I can't help it, no matter how calm I appear on the outside. IF is a horrible wait-and-see game!!

Hopeful but frustrated

I have been back and forth to RE all weekend - horrible drive during the week (almost 1 hour) and weekend days are okay (about 40 mins)! Anyway, tomorrow is the big ER day!!! I am hopeful as our u/s's have shown good follie growth. However, I am nervous about something going wrong or about what will happen after. I just really need this cycle to go well.

I know everyone needs every cycle to go well, but I feel like my life has been put on hold until I know the outcome of the IF treatments. I changed careers from accounting to education. Over the past two and a half years, I have completed all the course work while working and then the last 4 months of 2007, I was not working but completing my student teaching experience while going through treatments on clomid and 3 IUI's. Everything failed and now I am waiting for a call for a job interview but have felt as though I can not be proactive in getting an interview because of the IVF cycle I am in.

Don't get me wrong, having a baby is my first priority, but my DH and I are feeling the money strain. I was lucky to have some money come in from a real estate transaction but it went fast because I have lots of bills from school and try to help DH how I can with monthly bills. I just need a break here - either the job or the IF treatments or both. I feel like I am being made to suffer for some reason. Nothing seems to being going as I need it to. I am so frustrated right now!!!!!!!!!! I just need to scream - ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it will all work out in time. It is just so so so hard sometimes. I use this blog and the boards as an outlet and hope that I can feel relieved by connecting with people going through the same awful baby-making trials. Why is it that some people have it so easy? I know I let it all go before (prior post) but every once in a while it creeps back in. Especially when I am home alone, with DH at work, and I have little to do. I try to keep busy but sometimes it just feels pointless. I just want to cry. I have managed to keep the tears at bay for some time. Oh, I cry alittle bit here and there, but no big outbursts like months ago. Well maybe my mind is racing so much lately because of my hormone levels. Breathe deep and let it go. It is out of my hands for now.

Until after ER . . . .

Uncertainty

As my blog title states - this is one way I think of infertility and the whole baby-making process in general. I have not always thought of it this way though. I had a plan and I voiced that plan often. Until one day at work, when I started to doubt our ability to conceive, I mentioned my doctor visits and issues with a co-worker, who I was not particularly close to, but as I mentioned earlier, I am a very open person. His advice, from experience, was to not plan things out in detail too much b/c you will only be disappointed more when it does not work out as such! He had a child but wanted a big family and was unable to give his son even one sibling. It was MFIF at work, but when this was going on with him, there was not much to be done for his issue and he and his wife did not believe in IVF.


What I take from this is: Plan with flexibility in mind. He was saying life is uncertain and I agree! We can only plan to a certain point then we have to have faith that the rest will fall into place, or as a friend has said to me often "God's plan will play out!" But we also have to try to consider EVERY possible way if it is truly what we want! For this reason, I always kept IVF as an option and in fact "felt" that it would come to that - and here I am!

My recent doctor visits have shown the uncertainty. Thankfully in a good way. I have responded well to the meds and many follicles are growing, horomone levels are high and lining is perfect! In fact, my response has lead the RE to reduce med doses twice in two days, from 375 to 300 to 275. ER date is going back and forth between Tues and Wed. So I am having problems planning other things around the doctor appts and DH may not be able to stay home with me like originally planned :( And the uncertainty keeps pouring down, but I know there is nothing I can do. So I just go with the flow - easy for me b/c I am inbetween careers, but the money is getting tight! How will I get a job if and when I am preggers? And what if there are multiples? Oh, no!!! I have to just stop thinking about it and just wait to see what will happen after ER. Dealing with uncertainty can be so hard but that is life, right?!?

So the question becomes: How do we deal with the uncertainty? I am sure it is different for us all - what are your thoughts? I'd love to hear them!

Check this out!!!

This link could be a very important resource (especially if you have a home pool) for when, if you don't already, have a child.

It seemed a little horrifying at first but note nothing bad happens!

I went to the home website after the video and found 2 of these instructors in my area (only 11 miles away).

http://www.childdrowningprevention.com/index.html

Jiggle in the Middle

Ok, as if I don't already have enough "meat" in my midsection, now I feel as if my ovaries are bulging out! My normal-sized pants were so tight today that when I was sitting in the car, I had to unbutton and unzip them to feel comfortable. I suppose this is a good thing b/c it means my 11 follies are growing nice and big for ER next week. But it just makes me think about how unfair it is that we have to go through all of this for a child. I always imagined that those first "fullness" feelings would result in complete elation b/c of being pregnant - not TTC.

Another thing about all of this is that I feel these uncomforts/pangs and find myself wondering . . . for example, "is it indigestion or the meds causing that twinging in my chest? or is the pain in my back from my awlful bad back or the meds?" These injections are a necessary evil and it saddens me to think that there is only a 50/50 chance (at least for me) that this will even result in a baby. And I know many couples have worse odds and it still happens. So I am trying to stay positive but I don't want to be let down too hard. What to do, what to think? It is a big deal, but I sometimes think if I don't make it out to be such a big deal then it will happen or maybe I need to make it a huge deal so that God sees just how much I (and DH) want children. But then I think, "doesn't God know what is the truth in our hearts and souls?"

I am just so nervous about tomorrow's u/s but I am not sure why b/c the u/s' have brought pretty good news so far. Yet I know how easily that can all change. Guess I just have to wait and see.

Update and Society's IF view

Update - U/S and B/W this morning "all good." YIPPIE!!!!!!!! Lucky numbers for today are PRIME numbers - 11 and 13 - yes I am a Math nerd!! They say good things about my RE visit today. 11 follies growing strong and the 2 lead follies are over 13mm with the other 9 between 12 and 9mm. My lining is around 7 or 9. I am not quite sure b/c the screen was a bit hard for me to see. NP left follie measurements on screen for DH and I - we studied it and celebrated! So I am staying on same meds and visiting RE again on Friday.

On to what I see about society's IF view - I watch the ABC soaps b/c I am unemployed and bored! On GH, there have been some various issues going on about children and pregnancy. Of course, as usually, women are cheating and lying about whose child they are carrying. However, I have been following the struggle of one couple TTC when the DH has no children and the DW has two from previous marriage. At the same time, there is a younger single women who wants to have children but does not want to wait for the right man, who wants children too. Now I think the writers made a mistake in how they are approaching the storyline, that is if they are trying to recognize the struggles of IF. Rather than go into a long rant that nobody will want to read, I just wanted to say that someone should build a story - a real-life story - about what we truly go through from all angles. I think it would do society good b/c there are probably many couples/people who think they are alone.

Before I found the boards and blogs, I felt alone! Of course, logically, I knew I was not alone b/c I was not the only person I knew having a hard time getting preggo and there are all those other patients at my RE's office. However, emotionally, I felt extremely alone! I found the boards and lurked a bit, then joined. I connected to blogs recommended by board members. I lurked then I recently created my own blog. Now not only do have others to talk with but I have an outlet to discuss my frustrations, elations, confusions, and such. Other people may not have the resources to find these connections. Even if they are going to an OB or RE for help, they may not know about these communities of great gals and guys who can help them come to terms with what they are going through. They may not know where to go for advice or just to vent knowing they will not be judged. It would be great if the powers that be in our society, unfortunately I am speaking of Hollywood, would fess up to what they are experiencing and get it out to the public.

Come on, we all know that the older women out there in Hollywood who are preggo are doing it through some sort of ART. They need to stand up and let everyone know that there is hope and support. And I mean in the right way, with reality in mind.

Okay so I ranted on and on anyway - SORRY but really come on, with all the reality shows out there and Oprah's health-focused shows, someone should be thinking about this. I have some great friends but I feel as though they are avoiding me b/c they don't know what to say. I am a very open person so I have not been hiding any of this. I thought my openness would help family and friends see that they don't have to avoid and fear me!

Well this is just another post of me getting it out in the open! TIA for reading and commenting.

Letting go and starting over

in my thinking, not the current journey. So I have had thoughts that God is punishing me for past acts and thoughts, of having children and other areas of my life. I don't want to go into details. I have been a good person I know but some decisions have been selfish (wanting to have a better life than my parents and all) and I have felt like I am in a race to have children. I got married first out of all the grandchildren of my mother's parent's huge family and thought I would be first to have a great-grandchild for my grandparents (and so did they). But I was not!! I was angry when I found out my cousin was a month pregnant when she got married four months after I started TTC. LETTING IT GO!!! I was a bit angry when one of my bestfriends thought she was having trouble TTC after only 6 months and after her first concerning appt with OB/GYN she was preggo in a month but I did not find out until right before her early delivery. LETTING IT GO!!! Of course there is a bit more but I am LETTING IT ALL GO!!!!

No more negative vibes, all positive thoughts - here I come.

New Beginnings

This blog is new but it is helping me to recognize that this journey can be viewed in a positive way. I am uncertain about what the future holds but I am hopeful that the outcome will eventually be the goal I have been longing for.

We go through life mostly doing what we can to take control. Growing up I was very concerned about my education because of the things my parents and their siblings and friends had gone through. I'll leave the details private but basically I had a better idea of how I wanted my life to pan out. So I planned and although the age, 25, at which I got married was a few years late, it was worth it because I have the best husband I could have ever dreamed of. But his education and career status was not what he wanted so it was another 3 years of college. This meant putting "starting a family" off. I went through a period of depression and thinking that I was not priority #1 on his or anyone's list. I know even in marriages we have to have our own inspirations and need our own time at times, but my husband was spending all his time in a college programs with young females - they looked better than me and he seemed to be close to some of them. Did I trust him? Of course but them? Not at all. So I cried alot and just wanted something to look forward to. So in my desperation, I demanded that we start TTC.

Don't get me wrong, I always wanted to have children and this loniness was not the only reason for wanting to start TTC. It just made me explode and become angry and desperate. He was not against it but I sometimes think he did not try as hard as I was. So now he out off school and a practicing RN and I no longer feel any of that. In fact, he has shown me just how much he wants a child too.

We thought everything was fine with both of us but the original SA was done by a non-fertility specializing lab so the results, which we had relied on for close to a year meant nothing when we started seeing the RE in August 2007. So he was retested and the real results were bad but doable. He went to a urinoligist - nothing found. He count kept decreasing and it was taking a toll on the both of us. Three IUIs were no use. So it is on to IVF.

Here I am in CD 5 - all days taking stims (follistim 375iu) with 14 days of 10 units lupron, 4 days 5 units Lupron plus 10 units low-dose HCG and 81mg aspirin since Jan 12th. I have stuck myself with over 25 needles in this cycle alone, with who knows how many more. I fear cycle cancelation, low # mature eggs, OHSS, ER issues (particular with DH SA), and if we make it to a good ER, what could happen in the following 3 to 5 days before ET or after - a loss, which would be my first seeing as I have not even been preggo since we started over 2 years ago.

So my current status: Monday's u/s showed 10-12 follies and a growing lining - "looks good" RE's NP. No call on b/w status, which is good - "no news is good news" says my RE. Next u/s&b/w is Wednesday - hope for follie and lining growth.

Sorry this post is so long. Since it was my first I thought it should include a good background. I hope it can be of some help and support to others going through the horrors of IF. It is an outlet for me and a hope to meet others and learn all I can. I send baby dust to everyone in all stages of the journey and positive vibes for all.